How Can I Actually Love My Enemies?

Let's be honest: on the surface, this command from Jesus feels completely unnatural and counter intuitive. So, what did Jesus really mean by this, and how does He expect us to do that? To understand the heart behind this command, we need to look at who is a true enemy and the biblical definition of what love is.

When God commands us to love our enemies—just like when He commands us to forgive—the heart behind it is the same. It is all about transformation, reconciliation, and unity in love with God and our neighbors. It is a direct reflection of how God loves us. He loves us even when we are in the wrong and acting in opposition to Him, and His deepest desire is always to draw us back to Him.

Who Do You Consider Your Enemy?

True adversaries want your destruction and don’t care for your wellbeing, but often, the people we clash with aren't true enemies at all. Sometimes, we perceive someone as a foe simply because they have a different opinion or use a different process to achieve their goals. Ask yourself: Do you both want the same end result, but have sharp differences on how to get there? Are they truly operating with malice, or are they just reacting out of their own stress, insecurities, or a simple misunderstanding?

Our real spiritual enemy loves to exploit these differences, tricking us into fighting one another instead of focusing on the true spiritual battle against deception and division. Learning to distinguish between a true adversary and a perceived one changes everything. To understand how to love our enemies, true or perceived, we can look at how God loves His enemies through looking at the distinct ways love is defined in the original Greek text in the New Testament.

Defining Love in the New Testament: The Four Greek Words

In Matthew 5:44, Jesus gives us this radical command: "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." To understand how that is even possible, we need to recognize that the ancient Greeks had multiple words for love:

• Eros (romantic passion)

• Storge (family affection)

• Phileo (warm friendship)

• Agape (unconditional choice)

When Jesus commands us to "love our enemies," He explicitly uses agape—a deliberate decision of the will to seek another person's highest good, completely independent of how they treat us.

We see the ultimate description of this word in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

If you look closely at that passage, the description of agape love involves an action, a behavior, or a choice. It isn't just a feeling. However, this does not negate feelings that are present in our actions. It tells us to keep no record of wrongs and to not be easily angered, which is exactly what we need when dealing with an enemy.

If Jesus had used phileo, He would be asking us to force an impossible emotional feeling of friendship toward those who hurt us. By using agape, the heavy emotional burden lifts. Jesus isn’t commanding a feeling, but a supernatural choice to refuse retaliation and pray for their ultimate healing and reconciliation, relying entirely on God’s grace to supply what our human nature lacks.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

Loving someone who has hurt you and extending forgiveness are truly two sides of the same coin. Harboring hatred is a heavy spiritual and emotional weight. Choosing to love an enemy is a tool for our own freedom; it breaks the cycle of bitterness before it poisons our own soul. It is an intentional choice of the will to seek another person’s highest good, even when they least deserve it.

Our ultimate example in Scripture is Jesus, who gave us the standard of forgiving and choosing love above revenge while being crucified. We see Stephen following Jesus’ example as he was being stoned to death. Throughout history, countless believers have looked to Jesus to endure extreme suffering, keeping in mind the reward of eternal joy set before them.

While most of us in the Western world do not find ourselves in those extreme, life-or-death situations, we still walk through very painful, complex, and difficult circumstances in our daily lives.

Practical Ways to Love in Difficult Situations

How do we actually pull this off? Here are a few manageable steps we can take:

• Pray for Wisdom and Guidance: Try to see others the way God sees them. Ask God to help you see the situation clearly. This includes trying to understand the other person’s perspective and being completely honest about your own part or contribution to the conflict.

• Do What is Right: Commit to taking the high road and do what is right, regardless of how the other person behaves.

• Do Not Return Evil for Evil: Choose not to retaliate in the same manner when you are wronged. Whenever possible choose non-violence in action and words. This does not mean becoming a doormat; protecting yourself or practicing self-defense in life-or-death situations is not the same as returning evil for evil.

• Pray For Them: Actively pray that God would help them overcome and see their sin and harmful behavior. Your anger naturally begins to diffuse when you are consistently bringing them before the Lord in prayer.

• Partner with God: Lean on the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit for supernatural strength. You do not have to walk through this in your own human strength.

Remember: Loving someone with agape love does not require you to trust them, nor does it mean you have to allow them back into your everyday life. You can radically pray for someone's healing and highest good from a safe, healthy distance.

A Real-Life Reality Check

I am truly grateful that I do not have any personal enemies. However, if I am being completely real, I can relate to having strong emotions against certain groups or people who I feel are actively going against God’s ways and causing harm. It is so easy—especially when looking at modern politics, government representatives, and their supporters—to get carried away with judgment and hatred on either side.

Whenever I feel myself sliding down that slippery slope, I need to put these exact practical steps into action. For me, that means limiting the amount of news I expose myself to and carefully analyzing sources for underlying biases. With today's advanced technology, it is incredibly challenging to even know who is telling the truth anymore.

Keeping my heart free from hatred towards anyone is a constant, daily practice as beautifully reflected in this verse from Proverbs:

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." — Proverbs 4:23

Transforming Enemies into Friends

Abraham Lincoln once famously asked his critics, "Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?" That is the ultimate goal of agape love.

This reminds us of a powerful truth we often forget in our modern culture: the world will never be truly transformed from the top-down by governments or political power. It is transformed from the bottom up, one single heart and relationship at a time. By guarding our hearts and choosing to love those who oppose us, we stop letting the brokenness of this world change who we are. Instead, we allow God's grace to change the world around us. When we pray for those who oppose us and choose reconciliation over retaliation, we disarm the conflict. We open a spiritual doorway for hearts to soften, breaking down walls of hostility and paving the way for unity.

The battle is not about maintaining fairness, but about forgiveness, love, healing and working towards a better future. True victory over our enemies under the New Covenant doesn't mean destroying a person—it means allowing God's love to try and turn an enemy into a friend.

As the Apostle Paul reminds us:

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." — Romans 12:21

★ Key Takeaways: How to Love Our Enemies

• Distinguishing Between True and Perceived Enemies: Often, the people we clash with aren't true adversaries trying to destroy us; they simply have a different opinion or a different process for reaching a similar goal. Our real spiritual enemy loves to exploit these misunderstandings, tricking us into fighting one another instead of focusing on the true spiritual battle against deception and division.

• It is a Choice, not a Feeling: Jesus specifically used the Greek word agape—which means loving an enemy isn’t about forcing yourself to feel warm, affectionate friendship (phileo). It is a deliberate, supernatural choice of the will to seek their highest good and avoid retaliation, which lifts a massive emotional burden off our shoulders.

• Shift the Focus from Fairness to Healing: Human nature constantly demands "fairness,” which usually looks like keeping a score of wrongs and wanting retribution. But under the New Covenant, true victory means allowing God’s love to turn an enemy into a friend. Choosing agape is a tool for our own spiritual freedom that breaks the cycle of bitterness before it poisons our soul.

• Love in Action (Do Not Return Evil for Evil): We practically live this out by choosing not to retaliate in the same manner when we are wronged. Whenever possible, we choose nonviolence in action and words. This never means becoming a doormat; protecting yourself is not the same as returning evil. Finally, we actively pray from a safe, healthy distance that God would help them overcome and see their sin and harmful behavior.

• Transformation Happens from the Bottom Up: True, lasting change in our broken world will never come from the top down through political power or government control. The Kingdom of God advances from the bottom up—one single, guarded heart at a time.

If you would like to take a deeper look into the practical application of Godly love and reconciliation, I invite you to explore the Candid Conversations about Christianity course.

I’d love to hear about your own journey. Have you found yourself in a situation where you had to make the choice to love someone who hurt you or disagreed with you? Whether you have a comment, a question, or a story you’d like to share, please feel free to reach out through our Contact Us page.

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