Why God, why? Rising from the Ashes of Pain and Sorrow

In my last post, I talked about Faith as an Anchor for the storms of life. But what happens when the storm turns into a total loss—like when you are left standing in the “ashes” of a fire that has drastically changed your life? How do we find the strength to rise when everything feels burnt to the ground?

The "Why" Behind the Pain

It’s the questions we’ve all shouted at the heavens: Why is this happening? Why aren’t you stopping this? Biblical lament consists of honest, painful prayers to God questioning "why" during suffering, with over a third of the book of Psalms expressing this. God is not a distant, judging observer of our pain; today, He does not curse us. Instead, He feels, sees and understands our pain. These prayers of lament are not just complaints but are often acts of faith, bringing confusion and pain directly to God while looking for hope. They often ask for the circumstances to be removed, asking how long? while wrestling with a feeling of abandonment, requesting help through deep emotional distress, and a final choice to trust. While we are understandably focused on the immediate pain of our bodies and our circumstances, God is also concerned with something even deeper—our spirit. He is working in the background to ensure that even at our worst, our inner self is preserved according to the true intentions of our heart.

To understand this reality, we can trace it back to the beginning. We live in a world impacted by “The Fall” of Adam and Eve, and the gift of free will God gave to all of humanity. From the beginning, God provided direction and a warning—explaining that choosing their own path over His would lead to brokenness and death. In addition, we also have a spiritual enemy, Satan, who is the “Father of lies,” the author of confusion, and the “thief” who comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). He often uses our ignorance of his existence to work unnoticed, influencing our thoughts and choices from the shadows. He and his demons tempt and exploit us to drive a wedge between us and God. People make choices, and those choices—good and bad—ripple out and affect us all. True love requires free will to give and receive. Because of this, free will means fairness cannot be guaranteed in this world. However, the promise we can hold on to is that pain is temporary on this earth, but God’s redemption is forever.

The Eternal Perspective: Purpose Beyond the Pain

Just as Jesus endured the cross for the "joy set before Him," we can hold onto the hope of eternal restoration even while we navigate our immediate agony. While we cannot always see the "why," we are constantly learning and growing in character and empathy. Shifting our gaze to eternity reminds us that this life is but a "blink of an eye" with God’s promise of the eventual end to suffering and evil.

• Purpose in the suffering: There is a profound shift that happens when we transform our misery and growth into a ministry to help and encourage others. As 2 Corinthians 1:4 suggests, your struggle eventually becomes a “lifeline” for someone else. Realizing our suffering isn’t all just about us personally can change our perspective.

• A Present Comforter: You aren't navigating the ashes alone. God doesn't distance Himself from your pain and struggle; He walks through it with you. Through the Holy Spirit, He provides the power, love, and sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7) necessary to navigate grief and confusion.

• The Exchange: Looking back, many find that the very things that broke them were the things God used to build them. Knowing your suffering has a purpose gives you the strength to endure the journey, trusting that God is working out a plan for good that we can’t yet see.

My Journey as a Caretaker

As my mom’s primary caretaker during her illness of ALS, it was extremely painful to watch her deteriorate. I loved her deeply, and I was filled with sorrow for her suffering while I was simultaneously struggling with my own health issues that prevented me from being the strong caretaker she needed. I relied on my faith to get me through. I was so physically and emotionally drained it took me months to recover after her death. I had given it my all and trusted God to do what I could not, yet I carried the guilt from not being able to do more. I saw Him working through it all, as he sustained me and brought me the help I needed at the right time. I believe He strengthened me in my weakness. I also learned afterwards that forgiveness played an important part in my healing. I needed to forgive her for some of the things she said in her pain that hurt me and mostly to forgive myself for not being able to provide the circumstances for care she wanted or deserved. I had given my best but after she passed, I wasn't at peace. Healing took several years of prayer and counsel, which helped me identify and release the lies I believed; they were obstacles that had kept me from moving forward with peace and purpose.

My Shield Vision

During the hardest days of caretaking, I asked God: "Protect my heart so that I can continue loving and doing what is right even when I’m feeling hurt.” My mom would sometimes say things as she struggled that stung. The enemy’s influence is strong when we are weak and in despair. Right then and there, as I was asking for his protection and the words were hitting me, God gave me a vivid, real-time vision that unfolded before my eyes: I saw Jesus standing directly between me and my mom, His back to me, His arms outstretched. He was acting as a shield. He was absorbing the blows so they wouldn't penetrate my heart. I could still hear the hurtful words, but they lost their power to wound me. He was my barrier—and He can be yours, too. You don't have to "tough it out"; you can let Him take the hit. However, while we are called not to let bitterness take root or respond in kind, this isn't a mandate to be a doormat in some difficult or harmful situations. Letting Jesus shield your heart doesn't mean you shouldn't set firm boundaries or defend your well-being when you need to.

If you are too drained to even find the words to pray, remember that you don't have to perform. The Bible promises that the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness, even interceding for us with "wordless groans" when we have no words left (Romans 8:26). He’s looking for a sincere heart—and even your silent tears are enough. I listened to faith sermons daily—letting the truth soak in—and constantly recited my favorite verses. They were my daily source of encouragement.

Forgiveness: The key to healing from relational hurts

God doesn't just suggest forgiveness; He instructs it because He knows what happens to us without it. Jesus exemplified this ultimate release at the cross, praying for those who hurt Him even in His agony. When we hold on to anger, fear, or bitterness, those negative emotions take a physical toll on our bodies and create a “spiritual blockage” that blinds us. Unforgiveness doesn't just hurt our hearts; it prevents us from hearing God’s voice and receiving the very help we are praying for. I realized that healing and moving forward required two types of forgiveness:

• Forgiving her for the hurtful things she said while she was suffering.

• Forgiving myself for being an imperfect human.

Healing didn't truly start until I stopped holding myself hostage to a standard of perfection that God never asked for. I had to accept that my "best" was enough for Him. We often think forgiveness is letting someone "off the hook," but unforgiveness actually blocks your healing. Forgiveness can be a gift for the offender, but it is freedom for you—handing "justice" to God and letting go. You aren't saying the pain didn't matter; you are simply refusing to let that pain disrupt your peace, damage your health and hold your future hostage. We also need to keep in mind that reconciliation is not always required, nor is it possible without the offender’s genuine repentance and the restoration of safety.

Healing from Grief of losing a loved one

We also need the space to grieve the losses that no one is necessarily “to blame” for. Losing a loved one carries a unique weight, but God accompanies us in that heavy silence just as He does in the storm. Grief is releasing a person into God's hands or releasing your plan for how you wanted your life or your loved one’s life to look like. It also means accepting that we live in a world where others have free will; sometimes our pain —including the world's greatest tragedies—is the result of decisions people make that God will not interfere with or requests He does not grant us. He honors the will He gave to us all. Ultimately, healing begins when we trust His heart and character even when we don't understand the "why" behind the decisions of others or at certain times, His choice not to interfere —which may spare us from further pain we cannot foresee.

What we can learn from those who suffered in the Bible:

• The example of the Apostle Paul: Paul’s life is proof that our past doesn’t disqualify our future. He transformed from a man who caused tremendous suffering to one who endured it for the sake of helping others. His journey shows us that our greatest "ashes"—even the things we regret most—can become the foundation for a life of profound purpose and love.

• The example of Job: Job walked through the ultimate fire of tragedy and agonizing confusion. He endured the loss of loved ones, health, wealth, and relational hurt. Job’s story didn't end in the ashes. God met him in his pain, restored his life, and gave him a future even greater than his past. While we may not always see a full earthly restoration like Job did, his story proves that God's final word is always one of peace and restoration—whether He brings it in this life or completes it in eternity.

Strength in Community

My friends, family and church community played an important part in support and guidance. When we are in pain, we can sometimes isolate ourselves. While we sometimes need some time alone, we cannot stay there too long. Allow others to stand with you in the fire and help you rise from the ashes afterwards. For me, my community provided a practical lifeline—filling my freezer with soups I could heat up quickly while I cared for my mom. The many positive comments acknowledging how much I did for my mom— reminding me that I had no reason to feel like I failed her—were incredibly comforting and affirming.

Rising from the Ashes

Isaiah 61:3 promises a “crown of beauty for ashes.” God doesn’t just sweep the burnt remains of a shattered heart under the rug; He uses them to build something new. Healing from a difficult struggle, the loss of a loved one, or a cherished dream is a journey you don’t have to walk alone. Eventually, the wisdom you gained in your fire becomes a “lifeline” for someone else currently in theirs. You move from being the one who needs help to the one who can say, “I’ve been there. Let me help you rise.” As 2 Corinthians 1:4 suggests, we are comforted by God so that we can offer that same comfort to others. This is how we renew our strength—by placing our hope in the Lord. As Isaiah 40:31 promises, we will eventually “soar on wings like eagles” and “walk and not be faint,” knowing that God is working all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

★ Key Takeaways: Rising from the Ashes

• The Eternal Perspective: Our suffering is real, but temporary. Shifting our gaze to eternity reminds us that our pain has an expiration date with a final purpose. God has the power to bring new life, redemption, and restoration out of our tragedy and loss.

• Lament and Boundaries: It is okay to ask “Why?” and "How long?" Honesty with God is the first step toward healing. He isn't offended by your questions; He’s moved by your sincerity and works to preserve your inner self. While we absorb the sting of words with grace, it is not a mandate to be a doormat. In difficult or harmful situations, you have the right to set firm boundaries and defend your well-being.

• The Gift of Free Will: Real love requires a free choice, even if that choice brings pain and unfairness. When God doesn't interfere, we can still trust His heart—knowing His silence may be sparing us from a deeper hurt or a plan we cannot foresee.

• Forgiveness is Freedom: Jesus modeled forgiveness to show us the way to heal. Forgiveness is a gift of freedom for everyone—handing "justice" to God so you can walk away free. This includes forgiving yourself for being an imperfect human and letting go of standards God never asked you to meet. Reconciliation, however, requires the offender's genuine repentance and your safety.

• The Adversary vs. The Shield: We have an enemy who exploits our pain, but we don't have to "tough it out." Visualizing Jesus as your shield lets Him absorb the "blows" so you can love without being destroyed or forfeiting your boundaries and well-being.

• Strength in Community: Don’t isolate too long. Allow friends, family, and believers to be "God’s hands and feet”—comforting you, affirming the truth of your efforts, and helping you rise from the ashes of your pain and loss.

• Pain into Purpose: Your struggle builds the muscle needed to personally rise and soar. Realizing that our pain has a communal purpose can change our perspective. Eventually, the wisdom and growth you gained becomes a “lifeline” and guidance that helps someone else find hope and their way forward.

If you would like to take a deeper look into the themes of purpose, forgiveness and healing, I invite you to explore the Candid Conversations about Christianity course.

I’d love to hear about your own journey. Are you feeling stuck in the ashes of a painful season, are you taking your first quiet steps toward healing, or have you found your wings to move forward? Whether you have a comment, a question, or a story you’d like to share, please feel free to reach out through our Contact Us page.

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